Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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