I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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