Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
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