I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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