He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
