Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
