she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
