When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
