I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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