My sheets look like a crime scene.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
this beer tastes like vomit already
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
