You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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