One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
