Acid is not a monday night drug
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
