I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I think pants incapable of making pants work
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
