You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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