I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
