I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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