I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Randomize
