I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Can I color on your dick again?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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