I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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