He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
