but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
