Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
