I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
