I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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