This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
