Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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