I heard we made out
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Watching her eat just hurts me
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
