Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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