The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
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