Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
