Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
