I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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