he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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