I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Randomize
