glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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