either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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