i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
the liver wants what the liver wants
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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