Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
