Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
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