I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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