I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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