can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
