i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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