I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
