Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
