Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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