he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Randomize
