1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
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