So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Just high enough for therapy.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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