Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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