Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
