just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize