Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
