Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
