my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize
