I think I won the penis lottery.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
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