lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
