Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I wear drunk well.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
