We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize