Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
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