The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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