I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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