Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
