Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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