goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Randomize
