I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
