Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Just invented taco cereal.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Randomize
