The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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