Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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