Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize