I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
