It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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